Let me tell you a story

Almos Lorand wrote:Name. Charles Hershel Intrepid Princeton Parker Eldritch Nottingham Denver Anderson Leopold Esquire

Nicknames: CHIPPENDALE

Age: 38

Gender: Male

Race: Human

Sexuality: Pansexual

Organization: Unaffiliated

Rank: None

Appearance wrote:CHIPPENDALE is a Caucasian man of average height (5 feet, 10 inches) and slightly above average fitness.  He has something of a swimmer’s build, with notable muscle on his back and shoulders but due to his love of fast food, he lacks the extreme tone that dedicated athletes have.  He has been told that he has the hips of a dancer.  He has no idea what this actually means but he assumed it is a compliment and rolls with it.  

He has naturally black hair but upon reaching Florida, dyed it bleach blond to better fit in with the surfer culture.  His right bang is far longer than the rest of his hair, hanging to his eyebrow while the rest of his head has a longer than average buzz cut.  Notably, he has a star pattern shaded into the left side of his head.  Though he did not bother to bleach his eyebrows, he did take the time to recolor his subdued goatee.

His face is a bit on the long side with larger than average ears (the left having two piercings).  His wide eyes are a light shade of brown.  Lastly, he has a large tattoo of a buffalo over his heart in honor of a fallen friend.

In terms of wardrobe, CHIPPENDALE is normally seen in floral pattern shirts and cargo shorts with crocs on his bare feet.  When surfing, he prefers a simple black, one piece swimsuit and aviator sunglasses.  While performing as a magician, CHIPPENDALE wears dark dress shoes with matching slacks and a long, military style jacket.  The jackets have red shoulder backs and sleeves lined with yellow tassels and matching gold buttons.  For whatever reason, CHIPPENDALE always goes shirtless while wearing it.  

Equipment wrote:RV:  CHIPPENDALE’s primary mode of transportation (and home) is a refurbished Pace bus with a red white paint scheme accented with chrome paneling.  The interior is covered with a plush, tan carpet, leather seats, and a comfortable fabric couch.  There is a small kitchen, full bathroom, and bedroom along with a sizeable water supply and generator, not to mention a flat screen television mounted behind the driver’s seat.  

Boat:  Upon reaching Florida, CHIPPENDALE decided to avoid the insanity of homeownership by buying a boat large enough to hold his RV and, should the urge strike him, cross the ocean for untold adventures.  The wheelhouse has a full radar navigation and a top of the line communication system.  Luckily, CHIPPENDALE was able to purchase it at a cheap price from a police auction simply because someone was silly enough to get murdered on it.  

Magic Chopsticks:  Purchases from his uncle without knowing their true power, CHIPPENDALE is the proud owner of a pair of magical, golden chopsticks.  They offer him vast magical abilities to pick up any object in sight.  The only limitation is that it must be possible for him to lift the object using chopsticks in the traditional method.  Factoring in CHIPPENDALE’s skill with chopsticks, this is limited to the equivalent of a shrimp or chopped steak.  Reasoning that they would surely be taken away if he told anyone of their true nature, CHIPPENDALE had decided to keep quiet about the chopsticks and simply abuses them to improve his magic act.

Personality wrote:CHIPPENDALE is not a man with a plan.  Truth be told, he just sort of does things for the sake of doing things depending on his mood at the time.  This has led to him having a number of jobs over the years and rich experience with a great number of people.  While he tries to be personable as much as possible, he is not overly fond of the elderly save for his own family.  Outside of old people, the only way to truly get underneath CHIPPENDALE’s skin is to abuse animals.  Despite regularly eating meat, CHIPPENDALE is a strong proponent of animal rights in the food industry.  

Gruncle Stan wrote:Surprisingly, CHIPPENDALE finds hecklers at comedy and magic shows to be absolutely hilarious and is known to invite them up on stage to help out in his act.  He has never actually explained what it is he finds funny about them, mostly because he does not know himself.  He simply prefers to keep an open mind in that, and in all other aspects of life on the chance that it may lead to good fortune and fun adventures.  

Though he does not actually belong to any set faith, CHIPPENDALE does believe in an almighty power of some sort and thinks the idea of reincarnation is pretty neat.  Personally, he hopes to come back as a cat in his next life in order to see whether or not they actually do eat the faces of their deceased owners.

Abilities wrote:CHIPPENDALE is, at his core, a true entertainer.  Having honed his natural talent at a respected institution, CHIPPENDALE picked up a wide assortment of skills including dancing, acting, physical humor, and magic.  Specifically, he focused on pole dancing while in school (though he would later pick up a hybrid Latin/breakdancing style in his travels).  When asked about his peculiar choice, he simply responded that it was obviously the best way to get exercise with a pole.  Despite never elaborating upon this, his fellow classmates attributed it to either a desire to become a professional pole dancer or some strange strategy to meet women.  Though the true motivation will never be known, CHIPPENDALE learned his gyrating lessons well enough to eventually earn a mascot position with the NFL.  

Fargle wrote:Due to his employment prior to entering performing arts school, CHIPPENDALE initially believed that he may have a future in voice acting and took some basic level classes.  Unfortunately, he was unable to ever develop any notable vocal range and quickly gave up on the idea.  However, he did achieve enough skill to create a successful abridged series on youtube in which he redubs graphic hentai films into coherent, engaging narratives after editing out the sex scenes.

He did porn before 4kids, look it up wrote:By far, his most accomplished skill learned in performing arts school is magic.  Initially taken on a lark, he is supremely talented in all of the stereotypical tricks one would associate with a magician.  Card tricks, escape tricks, pickpocketing, making objects or individuals disappear, and so much more.  For his final assignment prior to graduation, CHIPPENDALE went so far as to transform an entire city into his stage, scattering children’s playing cards at various locations before using smoke and mirrors to make them appear in the streets to battle his opponents.  Those who paid attention were relatively impressed but to be honest, much of his fanbase wasn’t interested enough to turn up at that point.  

Later in life, CHIPPENDALE, for reasons to be discussed later on, found himself adrift in the American wilderness with only a backpack full of dreams and survival gear.  Pushed to the edge of human comfort, he was forced to adapt and learn how to actually set up a camp and ration his food between interstate rest stops.  It was also during this trip that CHIPPENDALE discovered he had an innate affinity with animals, befriending a wild buffalo and convincing it to serve as his faithful steed for a time.  

Stemming from his dance classes and overall healthy lifestyle, CHIPPENDALE is rather athletic.  In addition to pole dancing, he is quite skilled at surfing (a hobby picked up for fun in Florida) and parkour (a hobby picked up escaping buffalo hunters in the wilderness).  

Biography wrote:CHIPPENDALE was born in the quiet little town of St. Cloud, Minnesota to two loving parents.  Like most children, he went to school, he made friends, he played soccer poorly, and went to a public high school.  His early life was relatively boring, bouncing between school and the occasional weekend adventure with his closer friends until disaster struck in the form of…nothing.  

No, seriously, CHIPPENDALE’s early history is entirely devoid of any dramatic trauma or tragedy.  Upon graduating high school he decided that college was not for him just yet and he decided to move out of his patent’s home to enter the working world.  Though they weren’t entirely happy with his decision, his parents were supportive enough and continue to maintain a good relationship today.  Unfortunately, CHIPPENDALE had a rather difficult time finding employment straight out of school and bounced from profession to profession.  

Failure wrote:His first job was a gas station attendant that, while boring, allowed him the chance to discuss a wide assortment of movies and television programs with his similarly bored coworkers.  It was through these conversations that CHIPPENDALE first decided to legally change his name to something “cooler” from a film.  This would be the first of many name changes and additions over the years culminating in his current moniker.  However, out of respect for his parents, he decided to keep one of the names originally given to him at birth (though he refuses to give any hints as to which name it is).  

Secrets wrote:His time at the gas station came to an abrupt end when CHIPPENDALE experienced a bit of the Devil’s luck and won the state lottery.  Though understandably excited, he was rational enough to not immediately blow through it immediately.  His first order of business was buying his parents a retirement home in Florida (they were kind enough to split the profit from the sale of their old home with him) before putting the rest in the bank.  

Immediately after winning, CHIPPENDALE became enough of a celebrity to earn a few television interviews.  It was due to this attention that talent scouts from a respected voice acting company reached out to him based on the distinct nature of his voice.  Uninterested in continuing his employment at the gas station (or his secondary job as a mediocre DJ), CHIPPENDALE signed on immediately.  

Unfortunately for CHIPPENDALE, his voice, though distinct, was very difficult to properly cast in the upcoming anime series of the day.  As such, he was only able to obtain one role before eventually moving on to other employment.  Specifically, he was cast to voice a small girl in a series of questionable taste.  Though awkward enough to prompt another name change to distance himself from the role, CHIPPENDALE learned that he had the impressive ability to shatter glass by moaning “niiiiiii-saaaaaaan” at the top of his lungs.  

Despite the setback in voice acting, CHIPPENDALE decided that he had found his calling in the entertainment industry.  So, using another chunk of his lottery winnings, he paid his way through the preeminent performing arts school in Chicago, Illinois.  While he was passionate about entertainment, CHIPPENDALE was not quite sure what form of entertainment he wanted to eventually work in.  Therefore, the only option was to try his hand at all of them while in school.  Even with his scattershot approach, CHIPPENDALE did eventually gravitate towards acting and magic.  

Gotham wrote:After graduating, CHIPPENDALE searched high and low for a job that could take advantage of his newfound skills and that opportunity arose in short order when he heard of an open tryout to be the new mascot of the Chicago Bears.  Jumping on the chance, CHIPPENDALE stormed the tryouts with a…memorable performance to the Black Eyed Peas song “My Humps.”  Though hotly contested, CHIPPENDALE did land the role.  

However, the job would be incredibly short lived as at his very first game, CHIPPENDALE made the mistake of drop kicking the chairmen of the National Football League, mistaking him for the opposing team’s mascot.  In his defense, CHIPPENDALE argued that he was trying a new brand of hair gel to avoid hat hair from wearing the mascot head piece.  The problem arose when he began to sweat profusely inside the suit and the shoddy, black market hair gel ran down his forehead into his eyes, temporarily blinding him as he charged the field for his act.
 
Banned from the mascot world for life, CHIPPENDALE sank into a shallow depression (growing a scraggly beard and everything) and decided to head south on a journey to find himself.  Backpacking his way from Illinois to Florida, CHIPPENDALE faced many dangers and adventures including Illinois Nazis, an insane town of German immigrants with English accents who were convinced he was a witch, an insane convict in blackface under the impression he was a Native American warrior honor bound to scalp the “white devil”, and buffalo hunters.  

Tonight at 8/7 central on Fox wrote:By far, the buffalo hunters were the most challenging, requiring CHIPPENDALE to find a phone and call the police before riding off on one of the hunter’s captured buffalos.  Naming the noble beast, Marshmallow, CHIPPENDALE proceeded to ride his noble steed throughout much of his journey.  Now aided by the mighty Marshmallow, CHIPPENDALE returned many lost children to their families (occasionally even returning them to the right families), traversed the plains and mountains separating him from his family in Florida, and even chased a bear.  

At the end of his long journey, CHIPPENDALE encountered great hardship when he was viciously mauled by a cougar.  Or at least he would have been if Marshmallow hadn’t headbutted the demon cat into a 300 foot chasm.  Unfortunately, Marshmallow’s heroics cost the noble steed its life as it tumbled into the chasm as well.  

Initially heartbroken at the loss of his friend, CHIPPENDALE spent many a night screaming into the chasm before a small butterfly fluttered past his nose.  Reasoning that the butterfly was clearly the reincarnation of Marshmallow, CHIPPENDALE pulled himself out of his funk, shaved off his depression beard and finally arrived in the northern edge of Florida.  

Having had his fill of wilderness adventure, CHIPPENDALE bought himself a large, luxury motorhome to make the rest of the journey to his parent’s home on the Gulf side of Florida.  This section of his journey was not nearly as exciting as the Marshmallow arc.  In fact, the only notable thing that happened was his blind luck to drive past a stranded dance troupe in the middle of nowhere.  Happy to help them reach the National Dance Troupe Championships in Boca Raton, CHIPPENDALE took a brief detour in his journey to chauffer them.  Ever an entertainment lover, CHIPPENDALE refused to accept money for the service and only asked that they teach him how to dance.  Under their tutelage, the former mascot was able to get a handle on the odd salsa/break dance hybrid mutant that they utilized.  

Of course, it would hardly be a proper story if it ended there.  In fact, disaster nearly struck yet again when the overly competitive, track suit wearing coach of the rival team broke the shin of a backup dancer minutes before the performance.  Left with no other choice, CHIPPENDALE donned his tasseled costume and joined his newfound friends in a performance that was so jaw-droppingly amazing, absolutely no one in the crowd remembers what it even looked like, let alone had the presence of mind to record it.

That's it now wrote:Bidding his friends a fond farewell, CHIPPENDALE continued along the coast of Florida, falling in love with the ocean and waterfront culture.  The exception to this love was, of course, Boca Raton.  CHIPPENDALE hates Boca with a flaming passion unrivaled by any force on Earth.  Seriously.  

Eventually arriving in the town his parents called home, CHIPPENDALE arranged a family reunion to celebrate his latest stories.  From all across the nation, members of CHIPPENDALE’s family flooded to Florida on the promise of free airline tickets and food.  Even Uncle Charlie, who generally hated everyone showed up to share in the family joy.  

Evidently adventuring ran in the family as Uncle Charlie considered himself to be something of a treasure hunter.  That is to say he frequently broke into antique shops and the homes of their patrons in Texas.  It was during one of these “adventures” that Uncle Charlie happened to break into the home of a fabulously wealthy teacher and forced open his safe with a crowbar before making off with half of his oddly foreboding antiques.  Among these mysterious items were a pair of strange, golden chopsticks which Uncle Charlie had decided to use in order to style his long hair into “one of them Asian lady haircuts.”  

Intrigued by the chopsticks on a deep level that not even he could fully understand, CHIPPENDALE purchased them from his uncle for a generous sum as well as the promise to take one of his uncle’s names into the ever growing amalgamation that was his own name.  

Once the celebrations had finally ended, CHIPPENDALE returned to the beach to set up his new home.  No longer would he live in merely a luxury motorhome.  Drawing upon another large chunk of his lottery winnings, CHIPPENDALE purchased a refurbished barge large enough for him to park his motorhome on and then anchor just offshore.  Any retiree could live in an RV, but he’d like to see them try and live in an RV on a boat!  

Rather than waste precious gas getting to shore each day, CHIPPENDALE decided that it would make much more sense to surf his way to work each day.  After several weeks of comedic hijinks, CHIPPENDALE was finally an adequate surfer capable of taking advantage of vacationing snowbirds who wanted private surf lessons from an “award-winning surfer.”  Technically speaking, CHIPPENDALE wasn’t lying in using that description.  He was, in fact a surfer and he’d won an award for his fantastic spelling back in grade school.  

Deciding that he would need to take greater measures to convince tourists that he was actually a distinguished surf instructor, CHIPPENDALE decided to get a makeover, dying his hair blond and getting a high quality spray tan to cover up his northern paleness until his days in the sun gave him a natural tan.  

While he had found great joy in surfing, CHIPPENDALE was not satisfied doing only that after his long journey south.  To help bolster his surfing income (and avoid any other unnecessary draws on his remaining lottery winnings), CHIPPENDALE sought employment at a popular night club and began entertaining crowds with impressive displays of magic and prestidigitation the likes of which they had never seen.  No seriously, he was actually surprisingly good at it.  Like, white tiger suddenly appears at your table, good.  Happily draped in tassels underneath a popular spotlight once more, CHIPPENDALE added the most recent addition to his name to celebrate, finalizing the stage name by which his is known across southern Florida; THE ABOVE AVERAGE CHIPPENDALE!